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Why I Stopped Being An Astrologer and The Meaning Of My North Node

It’s been almost a year since I made my official announcement that I was going to stop doing astrology readings. After doing that and then revamping this blog, things have changed significantly in my life. For a while now, I thought it would be great to give you just one more article about this whole journey of mine. December of this year will be the official end of my first Saturn Return and it has been such a rewarding time of growth for me. Deciding to stop being an astrologer has been a part of that growth.
Many people were wondering why I not only stopped doing readings but why I decided to change this blog. There were also quite a few people who were not happy about me doing so. Among the negative responses I got, one person told me that I ruined their favorite blog due to “capitalism”, another person told me (in caps, which I hate because it's basically someone raising their voice at me) that my struggle over whether or not I should keep doing it all, like stopping my YouTu…

Saturn in the 12th House

People with Saturn in the 12th House find their greatest strength and their true purpose when they find genuine healing and peace. In order to get to this place, they must go through plenty of sadness, loneliness, confusion, and denial. With this Saturn placement, you are being required to experience a deep amount of pain and suffering and come out on the other side of it all, stronger and wiser. But, an expression of that maturity will involve displaying compassion for the pain and suffering of other people and doing what you can to alleviate it. Once you understand how to heal yourself and bring yourself peace, you will succeed at guiding other people toward a sense of healing and peace, as well.

A profound understanding of how we are all connected stems from this influence, which can both the source of your purpose and your pain. Since the 12th House is connected to the experience in the womb, you probably had a mother who had a particularly difficult pregnancy. It was stressful in some major way, often due to problems with the father or unresolved issues that she could not admit to or acknowledge. Coming into this world, you experienced a powerful connection to the suffering of others. The type of child to cry when others cried, to be moved by the smallest of things, you were very sensitive in a way that often made life more difficult. This is especially because you weren’t encouraged by your early environment to honestly and openly deal with whatever was troubling you. Instead, you were taught to act like everything was fine. The major problems that were going on were never addressed, ignored and swept under the rug. Growing up, 12th House Saturn people are haunted by these deeper issues in a hard-to-articulate way, which creates a lot of inner anguish.

A lot of this can have to do with your father figure. Your relationship with your father has always been plagued by some unacknowledged, under-the-surface problem that you may not fully understand. This is largely due to how much he represses his emotional problems or the other dilemmas he needs to overcome, whether that means substance abuse, mental health struggles, or just a total inability to hold himself accountable for his behavior. With Saturn in the 12th, one’s father can be a very sensitive, selfless person. But, this is often the underlying issue, as he may seem too fragile for you to rely on for strength or so busy making himself a martyr that you feel guilty for looking to him for help. Commonly, the Dad is physically there while being very emotionally checked out or unavailable. But, your father might have also passed away or walked out on you at some point in your childhood. In this case, he’s literally not present, a truly invisible entity.

So, who do you look to for guidance? Where do you turn? The process of making it in the world is especially overwhelming for you. You’ll have to endure circumstances that make you feel invisible, with your hard work going unrecognized or unnoticed when you believe you should be succeeding. The process of getting your act together, of being an organized and responsible member of society, can seem so futile when it all amounts to nothing anyway. You’re also easily worn down by the hustle and bustle of everyday life. You don’t work well within too many constraints and rigid rules, which can make adapting to the nine-to-five life truly depressing. But, how else are you going to carve out stability for yourself? The 12th House shows us what feels elusive to us. With Saturn in the 12th, the worldly goals of security, career success, and public recognition feel all too elusive, to the point where you wonder if it’s all meaningless and useless. When you factor in how much you can drown yourself in work or inwardly punish yourself for failing or falling short, it’s no wonder that work can cause you to lose your mind much more intensely than the average person.

Feeling so easily depleted by the demands of the world, you will need plenty of time to retreat and regroup. Whether you realize it or not, you absorb the emotional energies of people very easily and it causes you to feel drained, disoriented, or consumed with feelings and thoughts that you don’t even understand. When you investigate this further, you’ll realize how much negative energy you’ve absorbed from your early environment. Everything that your loved ones could not deal with in themselves was put on you, either through projection and manipulation and guilt-tripping or because you felt so much for them that you empathically took on their problems for them. This is especially a part of your relationship with your father. It’s a pattern that has extended toward everyone else. You have a hard time ignoring the turmoil beneath people’s facades that you sense and that tells you that everything isn’t as alright with them as they are trying to present.

Being alone can be your solution to blocking out all of the confusion and turbulence. But, it doesn’t do anything to take away those troubling feelings. In fact, solitude can end up increasing your inner troubles, especially if you’re seeking alone time to the point of sheer isolation. This is when the Saturn in the 12th House person feels terribly alone in life, saddened over how people seem to care so little about them. You can’t do much to escape your sadness, either. While the 12th House is the house of escape from everyday life, it works differently for you. Saturn’s realism affects this house in a way that means that you aren’t allowed much escapism, if any. Even when you’re getting lost in your fantasies or your inner world, you’re still going to that difficult place within. Most people with this placement come off, in general, as silly, light-hearted, fun-loving, or carefree individuals. But, the 12th House asks us to transcend ourselves. So, when you do so, things get heavier.

Yet, you also cannot personally identify with whatever is in your 12th House. When you do, then you’ll find yourself becoming increasingly isolated from the world as well as more and more disconnected from yourself. This creates the legendary confusion, pain, and chaos of the 12th. So, when you are allowing yourself to be preoccupied with your personal problems, you will also be swept up in turmoil. When this happens, you find yourself in a depressive state you cannot get out of, with even therapy or medication proving itself to be ineffective, or when you start seeing the negative in everything so much that you create your own obstacles. Your inner suffering (12th House) is your greatest obstacle (Saturn), especially since it makes it harder and harder for you to reach out to people or believe that they’ll be there for you. Those with Saturn in the 12th create their own isolation more than they realize, putting themselves in a form of solitary confinement and throwing away the key.

Your Saturn Return is a time in your life where you will come to realize that so much that you have believed to be reality is simply an illusion. This might have to do with things about the world, life, or society that you have always believed that prove to be false, empty, or dissatisfying. It could also indicate that there are many ways that your reality has been manipulated by toxic people in your life. You might spend this part of your life realizing that your father has been consistently undermining you through the illusions he’s spun around himself or the projections that he has made on to you. A lot of the things you beat yourself up over are things that he could never deal with himself. Maybe you were made to feel guilty about your competency or your ambitions, possibly because of his own struggles to succeed, or you were, conversely, made to feel like you were incompetent and like a failure. You might also have an excellent relationship with your Dad yet you are too prone to seeing him unclearly and unrealistically, projecting this savior archetype on to him and failing to see him as a fallible human, often due to guilt over those judgments.

Regardless of your relationship with your father, you’ll find that your Saturn Return in the 12th is a time where you are meant to develop a better relationship with your Divine Father. This will be either because you feel like your physical Dad was never there for you or because you’re misguidedly worshipping him as if he can do no wrong. Your God, your Higher Power, is who can do no wrong and turning to this spiritual force for the constant guidance and strength you’ve always needed from your father is a major way you’ll find healing. At the same time, you’ll need to come to terms with all of these unresolved issues with your father figure through a sense of forgiveness and compassion. Anything less than that causes you to maintain emotionally attached to him. Most Saturn in the 12th House people feel like fatherless children on some level but don’t realize that this is because they can only find peace by truly letting go of their fathers. Remember your love for him and accept him for who he is while also recognizing that you don’t really need him.

Spirituality gives you such strength because it provides you with the clear, strict guidelines you need to follow in order to succeed. You aren’t going to accomplish things in a “normal” or “realistic” way. You’re blessed with a virtually supernatural work ethic that would drain and daunt most mere mortals, going into complete trances when you’re in the zone or seeming to be downright possessed. It is a true magical power of yours. But, the expression of magic requires fluidity and intuitiveness. So, you are being challenged to put as much hard work as you can into whatever your calling is while also having no attachment to the outcome. Let go of a demand for how and when success should come. Envision what you want to achieve and manifest it into existence through your relationship with your Higher Power. Trust that you are divinely guided and protected, that these Spirit Guides want you to excel in life. With this consciousness, you don’t have to try so hard. Being spiritually disciplined is how you will succeed because you will understand how to channel that magic and be in tune with the greater forces at play.

Bringing your dreams to life can translate into being a professional artist of some kind. A lot of Saturn in the 12th House people go on to be well-respected, serious artists. You will find a deep sense of purpose in being able to express your compassion and your intuition through what you do for a living, which can also lead you into the realm of the healing arts, metaphysical or spiritual teaching, being a doctor to animals or humans, or any sort of counseling. It will be your job to exhibit empathy in some fashion. Since your sensitivity feels so burdensome, it’s easy to try and avoid that role. You might even fall into patterns where you take on the cruel or mean behavior of others in the world. Since you are seriously affected by this energy, it’s another way you contribute to your own suffering. You are not only saddened by inhumane acts but you accumulate heavy karma when you engage in them. For this reason, your Saturn Return will most likely show you the much kinder, more compassionate person that you really are.

You know, better than most, that everyone is going through some sort of silent struggle. You have had so many breakdowns, defeats, and existential crises that few people would even guess at. It’s why you’re so private, so intent on quietly working out your problems. Yet, you are also being challenged to share what you have been through with your fellow man. This is another reason why you so readily gravitate toward the arts. Being artistic gives you an opportunity to express those difficult emotions and feel strongly connected to people, at the same time. You must fully comprehend that everything you have felt or experienced is something that anyone at any given time has felt or experienced. By understanding this, you reach a state of transcendence where you can be a vessel for others’ suffering. This does not mean being a target for suffering. It means knowing how to feel other people’s pain and then release it. While this may lead you toward literal healing, it also can cause your artistic endeavors to have a particularly healing impact.

Artists with this placement excel at delving into serious subject matter. You can create characters and worlds or tell stories that have to do with heavy issues, hard times or people striving to move beyond their problems. Even if you lean toward lighter work, it will still have a very substantial quality to it; something that reflects people’s everyday realities. This goes back to the fact that even when you’re escaping into something, you’re still very much grounded. The 12th House also shows what someone is like when they’re “under the influence”. But, you still probably seem rather sober when you’re high or drunk. Most Saturn in the 12th House people hold their liquor really well, very rarely displaying any sloppy-drunk behavior, and have an ability to know exactly what they’re doing when they’re on something. In fact, there is a deep, unconscious fear of being a drug addict or an alcoholic with this placement that translates into a need to really control one’s intake. You might never even try any drug in order to avoid getting hooked on it or going off of the deep end.

Those with this placement who do find themselves abusing substances will learn that nothing they take ever numbs the pain. This is the essential lesson of addiction, anyway, but it manifests very powerfully when Saturn is in the 12th. So, the pattern of constantly upping the intake in order to feel something or to stop feeling something can be observed. It just makes the addiction worse and worse until you’re truly forced to quit. But, whenever your Saturn Return in the 12th rolls around, anything that has become an addiction for you will need to be released. This might also mean compulsive solitude or never-ending introspection. You can waste a lot of time looking inwardly in order to find the answers and figure yourself out enough to be ready for the world. Yet, you’ll never be truly ready! You just have to embrace yourself with unconditional love.  

While some with this placement can avoid introspection like the plague and must learn to reflect, others can be so reflective that it becomes a way of compensating for a lack of external control. By trying to know all of the depths of your soul, you’re trying to not be caught off-guard by anything that rises to the surface, like all of the unknown elements of life catch you off-guard. There are many parts of your inner life that scare you, especially since you are constantly feeling things that aren’t exactly your feelings. So, the opposite response of repressing those states is wrestling with them until you are utterly exhausted. But, then, this just leaves you stuck in a state of confusion, not understanding how to overcome this inner dilemma. If this is the case, when you embrace the feeling of not knowing or understanding everything within you, you’ll be able to handle all of the things in life that you don’t truly know or understand. When you let go and let yourself feel everything you’re feeling without identifying with it or being attached to it, you’ll breathe easier.

Your dreams are also not going to be entirely understood by you. But, trying to interpret your dreams is important because they speak to you so vividly. Having a dream journal or analyzing the symbolism in your dreams can bring you greater clarity. Yet, everything won’t always add up and that’s okay. Some Saturn in the 12th House people are literally scared to dream because of a fear of what will rise up out of their unconscious mind. Bedtime then becomes a time of torment for you. Insomnia, sleep paralysis, sleepwalking, or recurring nightmares may all make it hard to rest easily. You might even go through a period of barely dreaming, if at all. But, others with this placement can go to the other extreme and seek complete refuge in sleep. You might even be a very heavy sleeper, to the point of going into a proverbial coma that is hard to wake you from. Positively, you can also have many vivid dreams of success, recognition, or even fame. Taking the time each night, before you go to bed, to take note of what you have achieved and what you want to achieve can lead to these kind of dreams. This can also become a nightly ritual that allows you to remain spiritually, internally aligned with your true goals, experiencing them on an unconscious level that reminds you of how real they are and will be.

This article is a re-write of an old article that was once on this blog and is included in my e-book, Jupiter and Saturn in the Houses. It contains profiles of all 12 house placements of both Jupiter and Saturn, taken from the series of articles on the previous incarnation of Astrology Arena. In addition to Saturn in the 12th, the profile on Saturn in the 7th House has also been rewritten.